The boys and I went to Pocatello today.
YES - we went there to visit my parents.
NO - I didnt kill anyone or pull any of my hair out.
YES - I am shocked by that and you should be too.
NO - I didnt even come a little close to overdosing on xanax.
YES - I did take the camera with me.
NO - We didnt actually take any pictures of my parents.
YES - I would definitely lose my head if it wasnt securely attached.
LOL - LOL - LOL.
We left far later then I wanted too - but that is a usual thing for anytime the boys and I go somewhere together! We stopped and got gas and sodas before we left and a little lunch too - FROM THE GAS STATION! The boys both had nachos and I had a hotdog - and can I just say that I had totally forgotten how utterly delicious gas station hotdogs are! HOLY CRAP! YUMMY!!!!!!
Then we headed down the highway. My poor youngest child has been corrupted at school by girls and his teacher - they all sing MAMA MIA songs all day long and now he sings them too! NOT ONLY DOES HE KNOW THE WORDS BUT HE IS OBSESSED WITH THE SONGS. So of course we put them on a CD for him and of course he remembered to bring it with us to pocatello. (that was so kind of him) So I drove down the highway listening to these songs that I definitely dont like while a red-headed 6 year-old sat in the back seat singing them at the top of his lungs. GOOD TIMES!!!!!!!!!
For those of you who don't already know - my dad has CANCER again.
This time the prognosis isnt nearly as good as last time. Now it is all over his LIVER where it mastasized from his PANCREAS and it is on the bottom of one of his LUNGS. The time left that the Doctor said is about 3-4 months and that COULD be increased with the Chemo shots he's taking.
NEEDLESS TO SAY - THAT KINDA SUCKS.
I dont feel like getting into all my thoughts and feelings about cancer, my parents, death or any of those other way personal things tonight but I do want to make sure that I am clear on one thing-
I DO MY VERY BEST TO LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT ANY REGRETS.
Those of you who know about my personal struggles with my parents may be wondering to yourselves if I regret struggling with them or regret having a far less than perfect relationship with them. I DONT. I cant change it - and even if I could - I dont think I would.
So when I say that this SUCKS - I mean it literally and currently - I dont mean that it sucks because I have regrets.
- It sucks because Trevor will be devastated when Grandpa dies
- It sucks because cancer is a crappy way to die
- It sucks because my dad will die without ever being optimistic about life
- It sucks that my great grandpa lived to be 100 but my dad wont even get close
- It sucks because he doesnt have much life insurance
- It sucks that my grandpa will probably have to attend his own sons funeral
- It sucks that Garrett is so young that he will only have small random memories of grandpa
- It sucks because I havent ever had anyone THAT close to me die
- It sucks that my dad worries about my moms finances
- It sucks because he and Garrett arent nearly as close as he and Trevor are
- It sucks to think that it may have been caught earlier, but the Dr said he didnt need a body scan last year
- It sucks that my mom says that the worst part for her is to think that she doesnt know if my dad has ever been truly happy and felt real joy
- It sucks because even now he is in constant pain
- It sucks that Trevor and I have to talk everyday about cancer
- It sucks because as difficult as our relationship may have been - I will still miss him
- It sucks that Garrett thought you could "catch" cancer from someone.
- IT JUST SUCKS.
So we continue on.
Sometimes its kind of hard to not dwell on all the things that SUCK about it.
But all we can do is pray for him, visit him, make memories with him and LOVE HIM.
WE PLAN ON DOING A WHOLE LOT OF THAT.
